Just because you fail once doesn't mean you fail all October 8, 2012

Depressed and sad until the bitter end
A broken heart that nobody can mend
Losing the once experienced hope
Grasped by the bondage of an unforgiving rope
Drowning by the waves of the devastating blow
Endless torment knowing the sun won't ever glow
The brick wall of trial won't even move
I sit and stare at the plastered cement convince myself I have nothing to prove
All I know is after the wall is a gravel hill
A hill that can only be climbed with unrealistic power and will
Raging boulder chases me down
I'm back on the ground
I fly to saftey and hit the dirt floor
Wandering when I will see an open door
I am filled with constant overwhelming doubts
And I am forgetting about the proper route
I don't feel as if I have an impacting voice
If just one person heard, my soul would rejoice
Complicated breathing and striving to awake
Planning to fall away from all to break
Rocking and shifting on the teeter totter of life
Stabbed in the back with an untrusting knife
Can't trust the most trusting soul
No matter what I don't have any control
You can never truly win it all
You're always going to fall
You think you got your life planned
You think you are strong and know how to stand
Don't get too confident, because you're just going to get knocked down
You are going to lay there with a frown
 All you can do is try to soften the blows
At least until the agony slows
All you can do is have faith and love God
And cling mightily to the Iron Rod

He Never Gave Up October 7,2012

The Savior never gave up no matter his circumstances
No matter the hardship or the spiritual dances
He was tried more than we can comprehend
Yet with one hiccup we want our life to end
Christ never lost perfect faith in his father above
He had perfect knowledge of his perfect love
He lived his life without a selfish thought
Our Savior prayed, loved and taught
He is our shepherd, thus we are his sheep
We have the light of Christ that we should always keep
Our church and Gospel are surrounded by his grace
We should all know of his warm embrace
He is the man we must all strive to be
He always says "come follow me"
If we follow him then we know we are heading the right way
We know we haven't procrastinated until that final day
How was he so strong?
How did he go through the toughest life without doing anything wrong?
Because of his perfect faith and unwavering knowledge
He never even came close to the rocky edge
We should do everything to be exactly like him
Our testimony would never go dim
We are promised everlasting life
If we repent and are righteous even through strife
We should love, serve, read and pray
And we won't have regrets in the last day  

Oceans Pride October 6,2012

Waves crash the golden shore
Splashing the swollen core
At the bleakest moment on the curious night
The ocean moves regardless of light
Continually pressing diligently strong
Always knowing where it belongs
Impacting the world with swift currents of blue
Although constant not predictable as morning dew
One swift hiccup in the ocean floor
Causes impressive and a storming roar
Don't upset the integrity of the bouldering tide
Reflecting the Earth's reluctant pride
We idealize the strength of the unforgiving sea
Relating ourselves to whom we should be

Daddy, I love you October 6, 2012

My father is a built in friend
And that friendship will never end
One eternal round
Love tightly wound
He teaches, preaches, ponders and prays
No matter what he won't go away
He coaches, encourages, guides and leads
Love there whenever I need
Emotionally drained
Comforting pain
Setting the bar so high
For my future guy
He is a strong and spiritual patriarch of the home
He protects me when my faith looks to roam
He is realistic and knows about life
He has lived through this and has dealt with strife
And I know I can count on him
His care for me will never grow dim
He seems to always know what to do
Daddy, I love you

Not a Liar October 5,2012

I never lied to you
From day one I was completely true
My feelings for you were never fake
I was sincere when I gave you my heart to take
You may think I was never real
But, that's all I can do is tell you how I feel
My feelings may make your anger soar
But, there is nothing else I can say, nothing more
One day you will be able to forgive
One day you'll be supportive
In your mind this may be right
But my spirit is contrite
I am truly sorry that I dragged you along
Wish I could have just skipped the break-up song
I am sorry I didn't just shut the door
I grabbed your heart and slowly tore
I know I did this all the wrong way
Don't know what else you want me to say
Apologies have now become meaningless
My words just seem to become a mess
I never lied to you
Everything I told you was true

Fly Away October 5,2012

Broken hearts and all because of me
But, Baby, I couldn't continue with that anxiety
You can be in love, but it not be the one
I tried to ignore the prompting, but couldn't continue to shun
I know it was out of the blue
And I still love you
But, for reasons it had to end
Broke my heart and I lost a friend
One day we will understand why
Right now I wish I could fly
Fly away from all my problems, worries and fears
Maybe then I don't have to shed these tears
Fly above all the sadness and worry
A place where we aren't in such a hurry
Fly to a place where there is no feelings of pain
Where everyday is gloriously the same
My stomach is filed with an endless pit
So much pain; Nothing else could possibly fit

Heart is Sore October 5, 2012

My heart is still sore
And I don't want to hurt anymore
I wish there was a magic potion to ease the pain
Because all my heart can do is strain
I still feel as if I chose the right
But, there is no end in sight
It hurts that he hurts
I'm waiting for answers, my mind is alert
My heart is still sore
And I don't want to hurt anymore
But, life does bring trials
We knew it wasn't going to be all smiles
I do wish however that smiles outweighed frowns
Sometimes wish the ups outweighed the downs
My mind is swirling
My stomach is twirling
My heart is still sore
And I don't want to hurt anymore
When will my heart stop yelling through my chest
When will my feeling of love come to a rest
Because at this rate I'll never be my best

Strive to nowhere October 4, 2012

We strive for love and then get a broken heart
We strive to do our best and then get pushed back to start
We strive to do good
We strive to do all we should
We strive and we strive and never get anywhere
We strive and we strive and nobody cares
Wish life had more joy than pain
Wish there was some sun instead of rain
Wish something great would come along
As opposed to repeating the same sad song 

To Die or to Try October 4, 2012

Should I take the risk and start up again?
Is that what I want to be begin?
Maybe I got scared
And my feelings just got impaired
The fear of getting back together is great
The fear of not being with him is exploding at an alarming rate
I wish somebody could tell me what to do
I broke up with him because I thought I knew
All I can do is pray and hope that God doesn't forget me
Right now I am alone and God is watching me be
A black tunnel with no end in sight
Maybe death is the desired light
Death is the only way out
In the next life there won't be pain, depression, anger or doubt
When I think about death I am at extreme peace
Because my helpless life would cease
Right now would be the best time to die
No kids, husband or career; my family could get by
Maybe if they knew how happy I was up there
Then they just wouldn't care
I am good, righteous and faithful
I fulfill my daughter of God role
I just feel as if the best finish last
We are encouraged to do everything so fast
And if we don't, we think that we have failed
We believe we have been derailed
Shouldn't those who are good get blessed
But, instead we get more stressed
Just throw me a fricken bone
Stop allowing me to be alone
I'm done trying so hard
And done always getting scared
I am done hurting and breaking hearts
I am done feeling and falling apart
I am done trying and coming up short
I hate being played as if I am a sport
I am done
Because I am never going to be number one
Why try above the line
When things are always less than fine
I am down and sad
And I am thinking above all the things I had
Thinking about pure content, goals, desires and brawn
In a swoop all was gone
I don't necessarily want at this moment to die
But, it would be easier than to helplessly try
I am depressed, so give me some time
Soon I will be prime

The Break-Up October 3, 2012

My heart is numb
My body is limp
My brain is dull
The life I thought I knew
Was actually hopes and dreams blowing through
Thought my life was solid and set
I thought he was the one, I would have bet
He was perfect and yet here we are
Weak, broken and loving from afar
Confused, sulking and constantly crying
Wondering why I think God is lying
God doesn't lie, cheat or steal
But why did I think the love was real
I broke his humble,loving heart
Would I have done things different if I knew that from the start
I'm angry, bitter, frustrated and shocked
It's been four days since I have seen him and talked
I miss him and I don't know how to seek comfort
Loving life, goals and desires have once again gone short
Once again God has treated me life a cat
Dangling hope, love above me as I bat
I take the bait and he pulls away
Expecting that my faith won't sway
It would be one thing if this only involved me
Why can't that be?
Baby, I thought all I needed was you
But, now God is telling me that's not true
If it's not right then why does my heart not know
My stomach is rocking to and fro
Why does it seem that our heart and brain are never on the same path
Different paths bring wrath
My brain knows it's going to work itself out
While my heart just wants to scream and shout
The brain sometimes masks what our heart desires
Even while the bosom burns with fires
All I want is Jiminy
And he could easily make me see
What path I'm supposed to take
Separation between feelings of real and fake
I only wish and pray that he will soon feel joy
He doesn't dissever grief, he is too righteous of a boy
He is sweet, amazing, loyal and kind
Soon he will be able to find
His career,his wife and a home
No longer feeling alone and out to roam
I love him and he dissevers the best
Just wish his heart would rest
Let us pray that God gives us peace
Or gives us answers at least

Boy to Man: Our bond is Gone May 2007

Us together

Nobody could tell us what to do or tell us how to be

We were the best of friends

We did everything together and I loved it

Capturing robbers and bringing them to jail

Our parents tried to control our overwhelming behavior but not even they had a say in the people we   wanted to be

He was the child that nobody wanted in their class

With his non-stop legs and mouth it was almost impossible to teach him anything

When the teacher stopped having to send home faces, my parents knew that their baby was becoming a boy

That boy went through his elementary years as the kid who was idolized by everybody

A little boy makng a big impact

That little boy entered into a new world

A world with older kids who didn't understand or care about his social standing

His sixth grade rolled on and that little boy became a teenager

With his rebellious personality developing

There was no more us, just him and me

We, no longer existed only me and him

He found better people to capture the robbers with

His interest in girls was where it ended

I saw him when I would pass in the halls, the smirk from all his friends and the gesture toward me made me realized that they care, but when his face turned away, my heart went with him leaving me with nothing

That teenager entered into a brutal world of high school

I thought I might enter into that world, but I never did, I was just an orbit swirling around and watching him find a new life, away from me and away from his family

Now that I am beginning to enter into that world, he is leaving

He is starting his own life as it should be, but I am not ready for him to leave

He's ready to go and be his own person, but right when he steps out of that door, he will be gone from my present and future

All I have is my past and I have been living in the past for years now and it's time to look into a new future

He is my brother and I am his sister that's all I can say about our bond

That baby that my family once knew is not a boy or a teenager but a man

Death Penalty April 2010

He steals, he rapes, he kills with no remorse
He attacks women with a brutal force
He lives a life in which people are unaware
But only investigate his crimes if  you dare
He doesn't feel happiness, hope or love
And he lacks the knowledge of above
We all thought his crimes would end
But, for him, it seemed the rules did bend
While in bail
He somehow made bail
We knew he was once again on a killing spree
They found him in an apple tree
He was sentenced and was put on death row
We all know we have to reap what we sew
HE wanted to make sure he was a legacy
His mind was filled with supremacy
This seems fair
If he dies nobody would care
_______________________

A young man lived in a bad part of town
Gun shots, crying and pain were all around
He had to join a gang to protect his life
He was protected through struggle and strife
But his "brothers" got him into a lot of crime
And several of them had to go and do time
He knew what he was doing was bad
And he knew it made his mother sad
Crime was not his goal; he never wanted to
One night
He got in a fight
Things got worse and he took a life
She was a friend, mother and wife
He was sentenced to death row
Like I said we have to reap what we sew

High School Horror September 2008

She looks inside and pounds at the glass
But nobody hears
Nobody ever hears
She is invisible
She wants them to accept her
They don't
They won't
She is trapped outside of High School life
Her fist becomes sore
Voice begins to ache
She realizes that there is no hope
She might as well give up
They sometimes look, but don't like what they see
They don't care about outsiders

My Savior and my Heart October 2009

My Savior, My Christ
Who paid the Ultimate price
Maybe you can help me understand
Why nothing happens the way I planned
I strive according to thee
Thank you for always being there for me
But why does Satan always attack my heart?
Everyday I am ripped apart
"You're ugly, fat and dumb"
He doesn't stop until I am numb
I do my best to not break down and cry
He continues to tell me to not even try
I look up to get help from thee
And there you are, always looking back at me
I know for a fact I can't do this alone
I look back at my trials and I know I didn't overcome them on my own
I know I am going to endure to the end
But I need to make sure my straight and narrow path doesn't bend
I see so many loved ones fall away
Satan tells them they will just die someday
Why would people want that to be the case?
Why would they only want to go to this horrible place?
The only thing that gets me through the toil and strife
Is fantasizing about the next life.

Love in Space March 2010

I see that shining star
It's not too far
Let's leave this place
And take a trip through space
We could liver there all alone
No need for tv's, friends or phones
Just you is all I need
Let's just go, I want to be freed
Free from cares of this life
All of the pain and strife
When I look at you all of my troubles seem to leave
And I always will have a hand for you to cleave
I could stare at you forever
And you make me laugh when I say something clever
When I am going through a trial
I just look at your smile
And my heart just skips a beat
And your lips taste so sweet
We could just walk around holding hands
We wouldn't have to worry about an agenda, schedules or making plans
If you want, you can have my heart
If you promise not to tear is apart
I trust you with my life
And I would be proud to call myself your wife
You would be a great father, husband and friend
And I will love you till the very end

Always in 3rd October 2009

I always come in last place
I never finish first in the race
My brother sets the bar
He will go far
They are holding all the skill
I wish my life wasn't real
But, it is to my dismay
At this point I can't even pray
I have a little hope
It's getting hard to cope
I don't like who I am
And people don't give a damn
They don't care that I am sad
And I can't tell if that makes me mad
People think they know me
They don't and they'll never see
That my brother and sister and greater than I
And all I can do is sit back and cry
He has a cute smile and she has been pretty for a while
I am just me
A pitiful sight to see
I look at them
And they don't like who I am
She knows that I am an outcast
He knows I have not had a lot of friends in the past
I tried to put on a show
For those who don't know
But I wish people knew
Maybe somebody would know what to do
Because I don't
And it's not because I won't
I just don't know how
But I want to change now
I have tried it all
So give me a call
I am pleading for somebody's advice
Anything will suffice
Because I want it to end
I want to write my last chapter in life and click send
I hate me
This is not how I want it to be
But I better learn how to cope
Rather than sit around and mope
Right now I am done
I won't win, but I can run

61% September 2009

What am I doing here?
It's not like my brain will suddenly appear
I am not made for something great
I am not the girl the boys want to date
I don't have what it takes
I might as well give up, before my heart breaks
I studied quite hard for that test
I went in and did my best
But my best once again wasn't good enough
But, being reminded I am stupid is tough
People told me to just pray
And I would have a better day
But I still did bad
And now I am just sad
Now I just want to frown
I just want to be down
I want to just sit and eat
I just want to take a seat
Let me cry
Don't ask why
You just won't understand
This is not what I planned
I just wanted to succeed
That's what I need
But, instead I made a fool out of myself
I need to put my dream up on a shelf
My parents tell me to keep going
But, my self-esteem needs a quick towing
I need to find a skill
But what if I can't; how will that make me feel?
I don't like the way I talk
I don't like the way I walk
I can't stand the way I look
I wish I could be read like an open book
I want a man who will love me
And will let my personality be
Somebody who won't mind my weird laugh
I want to be a whole and not just a half

Where are you now? September 2009

So deprived thinking of you
Thinking how we used to be
Knowing it was just us two
How could this happen to us
I miss you and me
But it is all your fault
Not mine, yours
Our friendship wasn't everything to exalt
Nobody understood the friendship we shared
It didn't matter to them, only us
But I didn't care
I never got  upset when you didn't call
I put up with you breaking our plans
Because I remember when you would catch me when I would fall
When I would cry, you were there
When I was shy
You found me friends
When I wanted to stop trying
You didn't let me
You hugged me until I stopped crying
We sometimes never had to talk
We could just sit
Or we could just walk
I knew it wouldn't be the same when you left
"I didn't change" you would claim
But, I knew you were wrong
I was second, I didn't matter
I was weak and they were strong
You found a different way to be
You turned to alcohol
You cared more about it then me
I need you
You made me who I am
I don't know what to do
You are there
I am here
I know you got friends and you don't care
You will never know that I appreciate you
Not because of who you are but who you made me
I just wish you felt the same way too
I know our friendship isn't here
No attempt to talk
Our relationship has come to an end is what I fear
Thanks for making the past two years fun
But I knew at one point we would come to an end
I know we aren't done
But I know that we have grown apart
You can say something
Apologizing, would be a good start
Just say sorry for forgetting
Forgetting my thoughts and feelings
You don't even care is what I am betting
My parents told me you were no good
I should have listened to them
I didn't know if I could
I was masked by you charm
I was fooled by your brilliance
I didn't know it would cause me such harm
But it did
You did
I don't want it to be over
But you obviously do
I just want you to be sober
I'm done
You're done
It's done

Moon Phases 11/17/2010

People put on an act as if they've changed their ways
They don't know that some see pass their charades
Like the moon and it's phases
I can't imagine the questions it raises
Where did it go?
Do you know?
Did it change?
Did it re-arrange?
No. It didn't change. No it didn't rearrange
It is all there
If you just concentrate and stare
You will find that hidden part
And see what's truly in it's heart
You can't forever hide inside
That's as subtle as a waves high tide
Don't hide half of who you are
Because that won't get you far
Outsiders won't want to take
One bite of a delicious cake
Don't pretend to be something you aren't meant to be
Because you will fall and when you stand it will be slippery
We should be the person God intended
It is good to improve all that we have mended
Stand up and be strong
Try your best to depict what's right and wrong
Change for reals
That makes a better deal
Heavenly Father doesn't just show perfect people his love
We don't have to BE Jesus to live with him above
But we all must do our best
In order for God to do the rest
We should read, listen and pray
And not procrastinate to that final day
Let's listen to the prophets; new and old
And don't let our testimonies unfold
We should serve those we just don't like
And forgive them always, even after the third strike
Don't judge those who you perceive as bad
Because you are rude, mean and get mad
None of us walk straight
To get to that golden gate
So we should not think we are higher
We should never think we have the hotter fire
Our father loves us all alike
He will ALWAYS be the training wheels for our bike
Don't be afraid to stand tall, but remember your place
Remember you are below God humility, power and grace
Remember he is Alpha and Omega, beginning and the end
Remember he will always have a hand to lend
He sent his only begotten one
The Lord, our redeemer, Heavenly Father's son
He dies because of all our sin
Because how horrible, awful and bad we have been
He had to carry his own cross
But thankfully he is here to carry us when we're at a loss
We should never feel too good for his aid
If we do, our relationship with him will fade
In God we shall trust
To have eternal life, we must 

Unmasked 11/16/2010

A mask without a face is like Satan with a warm embrace
Take off the mask of shame, doubt and fear
And allow yourself to shed those tears.
Be real and be yourself
Take your feelings off the shelf
Dust them off and share them with those who care
It's only fair
Stairs without an end is like an awful and dishonest friend
A devastating waste of time
It should be a crime
Stealing thoughts, stabbing your soul and harassing the brain
Like a circling train
We never get anywhere; If we don't care
We need to know who we are and what we want to be
In order to eat the fruit from that precious tree
Laugh, smile and live smart
And be careful for who holds your heart

Christ Understands 06/17/2010

I feel alone
Every song has the same tone
Friends and Family can't help me out
Because only one man knows what I am about
People help when I am in need
But HE is the only one who can accomplish the deed
He said if thou not doubt
I'll stick to the iron route
He is the man who paid the ultimate price
The man, named Jesus Christ
Sometimes, I don't feel his love
But, I know with all my heart he is with our Father up above.
I know that in my life I will laugh, sing, smile and cry
But through it all I must always try
My heart is sick, tired and sore
I know this is selfish, but I want something more
I want to be happy, content and nice
I want to be beautiful, funny, or smart-that would suffice
The Savior is the only one who knows how I feel
To Him my feelings are real
Christ loved deeper, laughed harder and made the most of life
He even overcame trial, toil and strife
His face I must always see
And I always want him to look back at me
To Him I must give it my all
With the faith that He will catch me when I fall
I know in my heart that He is the chosen one
He is the only begotten son
I need to open my heart
My feelings and actions are growing apart
I want people to know that I can love and care
The Holy Ghost and I should always be a pair
I need to let my heart show
And let everybody know
That I love the Lord with all my might
I know I must always fight
Fight for what I know is correct
And I know I won't ever be perfect
I will always have something wrong
But my faults will make me strong
I can't give up on my task at hand
I need to give it my all by spreading this Gospel throughout the land
The end is near
But death is not a fear
I fear leaving before my job is done
I am afraid of leaving my future daughter and son
I couldn't leave my husband in that spot
It scares me at the very thought
But, Christ would wipe the tears from his face
And comfort with a warm embrace
For we all know this time on Earth is quite small
If we consider Eternity and all
I love this church
I never had to search
I love my Lord
He has given me the armor of God with a shield and a sword
This is my humble testimony of Lord